Trauma associated with the holidays can be a very serious problem that can bring up painful memories. I find trauma that happened around Christmas very difficult to address in the years to come because it is so distinctive in nature. Yes, sometimes there is a random Christmas in July or you can hear an errant Christmas song in another season and – if you are like me – you will get a little ick but recover. The entity of Christmas, however, involves all the senses, sometimes all at once which makes memory triggers very powerful.

Sight: Lights, trees, presents, stars, glitter, the particular combination of colored Christmas lights you don’t see other times of the year (unlike white or other solid color light strings.) Distinctive ornaments, Candlelight in churches. Christmas decor that is everywhere, whether you observe the holiday or not. Red and green together. Shiny black boots.

Smell: Cinnamon, sugar cookies, fir tree, peppermint, spiced cidar, oranges (Almost all this category is going to translate into the taste category as well.

Taste: Cinnamon, Iced Sugar Cookies, Peppermint, Candy Canes, Spiced Cidar, Eggnog, Spiced Cidar, cranberries, oranges

Hear: Distinctive songs we only hear this time of year, the endless Christmas commercials even if it’s not you watching tv. Phrases, Merry Christmas, caroling, choirs, jingle bells, sleigh whips, concerts

Touch: Wrapping paper – no other time of the year are you wrapping gifts for hours. Velvet, fur. Pine needles, light strings, ornaments. Decorations.

A common coping mechanism for PTSD flashbacks is to concentrate on the 5 senses. Find something to taste. Touch 4 different things. What sounds can you hear? Smell something familiar (I have a certain perfume I carry for this purpose). Listen to a song you have ready. Something you are experiencing on several sensory levels is going to make stronger memories and associations.

The reverse is also true. When we experience trauma, we can experience it through all our senses or just one or two. This is why, years later, a whiff of cologne can trigger a trauma response. Every detail of the trauma is stored within you, even if you aren’t aware of it.

7 years ago, I became seriously ill with a rare pancreatic tumor. It was secreting insulin round the clock and causing my glucose to go low many times each day. It was a terrifying time. Numerous tests had come back normal, my doctor was gaslighting me because of these. I knew I was sick. I knew something had changed rapidly and very wrong but was unable to persuade my doctor of this.

I’d been working as a seasonal retail employee. In the past I had found it to be fun and challenging work. I liked the teamwork feel of facing a Black Friday. It was something I could do and working for 3 months was about as much retail as I could take.

This was my 3rd year back to Bath and Body Works and I was coming on as a seasonal manager so would have a higher responsibility (and stress) level.

I’d fallen ill in June of that year. It was now October and my symptoms were getting worse. It wasn’t long at all before I had a whole set-up in the back room, glucose monitor, snacks, drinks to raise glucose and had to eat very regularly. My life was quickly shrinking down to a single thing, the number on my glucose monitor and trying to keep it above 70.

Hypoglycemia can present itself in a number of ways. (Some people also become hypo-unaware over time so you can have hypoglycemia without any symptoms.) Mine seemed to roll in like a storm cloud. I would become very emotional, depressedd, and sometimes weepy. I would then become light-headed and confused. Occasionally I would feel shakey but the hopeless feeling rolling in was my cue that my glucose going down.

What happened to me over the next 3 months was terrifying. I began gaining 1-2 pounds/week. I developed cystic acne (never mind the fact that this is retail so I was facing hundreds of people each day knowing how I looked.) Stress was burning through my glucose supply too quickly. I would be facing a line of 50 people and feel my glucose dropping. My front pocket was full of glucose tablets (these are 4gm carbs each and I needed to eat 10 every 20 minutes. My record low of 34 glucose happened at work. Unfortunately I was sanding on a tall ladder at the time and fell off it. As I tried to get up I realized I couldn’t read the boxes around me.

If you’ve ever been to a Bath and Body Works during a retail season you know what was going on around me. Every single day, eight hours in a row, the abundant decorations. The Twisted Peppermint oil we burned daily. Christmas scented candles. A very lound soundtrack of Christmas music, that repeated itself every 90 min. Bright lights. Colorful, holiday themed packaging. Every little Christmas picture on every little bottle of everything. The voices of many people in the store. The sound of things being dropped. The cash registers printing receipts. My mind was absorbing all this sensory input and, while it didn’t know yet what was wrong, it knew when I see this and hear that my feeling of utter hopelessness are rolling in and I feel fear because my glucose is dropping again.

I already had a problem with Christmas before this happened. But I was doing ok then. Our kids were younger and they were excited. I had bad associations, I had other trauma with the holidays. This was different, though, I don’t think I could have been in a place with more sensory input as I plunged into hopelessness over and over and over.

I’ve been in Bath and Body Works many times since that period in my life. The stores all smell the same, they all look the same, they all have the same basic set-up and decor. Two weeks ago I went to Bath and Body Works, though. Judging by how immediately the flashback hit me, I’m guessing I hadn’t been in one at Christmas time time for 7 years. Immediately, I found myself back in my store, back in that city and state, it was 7 years ago, it was cold outside. I could even feel the texture of my work apron under my fingers. Suddenly, I was sick again, I knew something was terribly wrong but nobody would believe me. I had no control over my body. I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t stay ahead of it. And every day, all day long this dark confusing cloud would roll over me numerous times. My mind had recorded every detail of those months and was now, recognizing it, sending out a panic signal to me.

I haven’t been doing as well, since that happened. I can get through some years, very guarded and pissed off, but not very triggered. Other years, for some reason, are much harder. It is discouragingly early in the month for this to have already happened.