To the woman ahead of me at the grocery store… you need pickles. We can agree on this point. You are having difficulty locating these pickles. Believe me, I FEEL YOU. We find ourselves in treacherous times right now. I hope you understand MY situation here. I can neither help you find what you need – nor can I bypass you without getting in your 6-foot “safety bubble”. I am also unable to go back the other way as another person is stuck behind me. I am unable to bypass THEM without getting in their 6-foot “safety bubble”. I’m stuck. I’m stuck in the middle of this aisle. I’m stuck till you find your pickles. I’m in cake and brownie-mix land. This is not where I want to be.
Each week the grocery store becomes a little less familiar, a little more treacherous. I try to be prepared for anything. I try to be flexible. Grocery store employees are holding the entire world together right now. None of this treachery is the grocery store. None of the treachery is caused by grocery store employees. Humanity is to blame for this. Humanity is the reason we can’t have nice things.
Back in the carefree days, I went to the grocery store all the time. It is conveniently located. I became complacent, never thinking more than a day or two ahead on food and meals. Now I am going once per week. I am alarmed at my grocery total. I don’t think I’m actually spending more, I am just spending it at one time?? I don’t know, maybe I am. I seem to be purchasing comforting items from my past. Last week, for instance, I purchased spray cheese in a can. I mean, it’s available to everyone. It’s only alarming in that I PURCHASED SPRAY CHEESE IN A CAN. I am developing the palate of my 13 year old self. I bought cream of chicken soup. I ATE IT AS SOUP.
Let me clear up the new treachery at the grocery store this week.
First of all, the grocery store changed to directional aisles. There are big, blue arrows made of tape designating rite of passage for each aisle. In other words, MY GROCERY STORE IS NOW A GIANT GAME OF CANDYLAND. We are ALL just trying to reach Candy Castle where King Candy can ring us up. It’s like THAT. I realized at the end of Aisle 1 that I am destined to follow the slow-shopping woman ahead of me for the length of the entire grocery store. Although I have the time to devise ways I can bypass her, these solutions involve cutting and/or skipping aisles or necessitate being very politically incorrect at not maintaining 6 feet of distance. I stay my hand.
Also currently happening to me – the previous day I decided I was going to wear costumes to the grocery store for the remainder of lock-down. Give people something to smile about, I thought. Share some laughs, add some levity. Thus – while all this other business is going on – I am dressed as a North Pole Elf. Given my costume choices, I went bold. I had some others that could be misconstrued as what people call a “snappy dresser” so I was like HERE I AM. NOBODY HAS ASKED ME WHY I’M DRESSED LIKE A GIANT ELF OR EVEN MADE EYE CONTACT. That’s how things are going for me today.
I started into this lock-down all gung-ho. I was like, this will not be a problem! I’m going to use this time to WORK ON ME. I’m going to exercise EVERY DAY. When we are released back into society everyone is going to be super jealous that I was so productive with my time.
Let me fill you in on my past 30 days of lockdown:
I’m super thankful my exercise classes moved to Zoom! I did really fantastic about policing my own activity, I put SO much into it. It feels good to keep a schedule, right? Each day is a learning opportunity on Zoom. We realized we all need to turn our video off to help lag from the instructor. There was a day I wasn’t feeling so hot. I found that I could just lie on the ground, kind of helpless on my back – moving my arms and legs like a capsized June Bug. Whilst this was going on I was considering what to have for lunch. And I just kind of stayed like that. That’s the kind of lawlessness the pandemic has brought to our species. This is why we belong to gyms. We can’t be trusted.
I’m a sea-cow! I have a layer of blubber that keeps me warm in the water.
You know what, that’s ok. That’s ok because I have worked out SO MUCH this year already – and last year too! I worked out SO MUCH. I will use this time to make my inside more beautiful. I will read and I will write and I will watch intellectual documentaries and I will find a philosophical group online to broaden my mind YES. People will be like – wow, you are so serene. And I will say yes, well I decided I would FACE MYSELF during lock-down. I was fearless.
I joined Babbel so I could learn Spanish and people would say – when did you become bi-lingual? And I would say lock-down. 15 minutes a day, right? Well now it’s been 5 days of Babbel pestering me that I need to get on my app and keep my 15-minute commitment “to myself” which I am not currently keeping. The bad part of this situation is they haven’t taught me enough Spanish to effectively defend myself to their app. My notification dings with some motivational BS – all I can do is flip my phone off while screaming “Ustedes!”
When lock-down started, I was in the middle of 10 books on my Kindle. I am now in the middle of 13.
Yesterday, my phone continued to alert me that I had a hair appointment. This blessed day comes around but once every 6 weeks. I get my roots touched up, I get a blow out, I entertain Liz Lemon with my humorous stories. I say ‘Ooh my hair is so swishy! I could be in an Herbal Essences Shampoo Commercial. (I swish my hair back and forth to illustrate what I mean.) I clap, I hug. I go to my car. I take pictures of my new hair. I post these on social media but under the guise of thanking my stylist for being so brilliant. (I’m still trying to come up with some witty name for “women of a certain age who take pictures of their new hair in their car directly following their hair appointment.”)
No, I’m not getting my hair done today. I am here in the slow-moving parade which has become my grocery store. I’m wearing an Elf Costume. We have made it to Aisle 3. I consider how much damage would result from touching up my roots with Just For Men Mustache and Beard. It says right here – it will restore my original hair color by targeting gray hair for a natural look. I think of Liz Lemon, my stylist. I think of all the ‘don’t cut your own bangs’ quarantine memes. I don’t do that thing.
I’ve come to realize how much I never appreciated the gravity of the “pick a color, honey, five minutes” SITUATION at my nail salon. Had I taken this situation with appropriate seriousness; I would not now find myself with traffic-cone orange finger-tip ‘crescents’. (Mmm, crescent rolls.) I would have been better served in selecting a lovely French Manicure. “Perhaps I could interest madame in this “I’m a hunter DON’T SHOOT ME” orange which nothing will effectively cover?” Several months from now my therapist will be coaching me through drawing a rage picture (as seen in the biographical movie ‘Sybil’) and it will be a bright orange scrawl.
Last Sunday I told my husband – I’m giving myself an “off day.” What I wanted to do was stay in bed, watch all of Ozark Season 3 and eat macaroni and cheese. No, I mean seriously. Up to this day I had put in one hour of cardio, 10k steps and a maximum of 1400 calories per day EVEN WEEKENDS. At the end of that Sunday I said – wow, this was great! Good day off, I will be back to business tomorrow.
My name is NO, my sign is NO, my number is NO. Something broke within me that day. Realizing this was even an option set me on a bad path. Why, why must I not eat macaroni and cheese in bed every day? I mean everyone else is gaining weight so if we ALL gain the same amount of weight, we will all look relatively the same, correct? Let’s make a pact.
Things To Do Today:
Exercise for one hourGet 10,000 stepsPractice EspanolPractice SaxophoneClean bathroomCatch up on correspondenceJournal feelingsRead 30 min self-help 30 min entertainment- Question reality
- Cry
- Eat clearance Easter candy impulsively purchased during grocery store trip
Impulsively, I ordered some foundation online, I fell prey to their amazing before/afters. I found myself in a weak moment. I bought that thing. NOW they are spamming me for feedback on of. Did you love it? Did you love our foundation? Um, I’m sorry. Do you think I’m just going to put it on just because? I mean really. I WILL LET YOU KNOW.
Netflix will give you the 10 most played shows on any given day. This is how I check on our mental health ‘as a people.’ Tiger King has remained number one for several weeks now. It’s like that people. It’s like THAT. No, I mean I watched iT! There is something comforting about someone un-apologetically living a way crazier life than we find ourselves living right now. Carol Baskin is winning Lock-down. Carol Baskin gets stuff done. (I’m not just saying that because my husband and I have spent 24/7 together for 31 days.)
Take care everyone, take care.
