Billie Eilish – everything I wanted
An amazing thing happened these past two weeks. I “found” my last trauma. My therapist and I have been working on this for the greater part of two months. Like an itch that would not go away I’d had this feeling that something was still there under the surface. Something was still troubling me and causing me to react with high emotion when triggered. In the world of EMDR, this is called a Touchstone Memory – the earliest unprocessed memory that sets the groundwork for a particular problem.
“There are generally about 10-20 unprocessed memories that are responsible for most of the pain and suffering in most of our lives. These memories contain the emotions, perceptions, and physical sensations that you experienced at the time of the original event. “
“Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy” Francine Shapiro
“If these pivotal Touchstone Memories are processed, many others that are associated in the same network will automatically change as well. Once the memories are stored appropriately, the old disturbing emotions, thoughts, and psychical sensations no longer arise.
I am proud of myself, for hanging in there. This memory was an important connection to some painful life events. We worked on it from the top down. We worked on it from the bottom up. We tried different angles to raise it, which provided helpful information, but not the resolution I sought.
My mother helped me find it, corroborating a flash of memory I have as a young child. This was truly remarkable as it happened 47 years ago and she hadn’t even been present at the time. She was able to fill in the context for me and, after about a week, my mind locked it into place.
I have learned how this goes, in the past 18 months. Trauma memories. I know when I hit on something real because it brings its poison to the surface with it. The negative beliefs, the pain, the anger. This lasts several days while the brain processes it. Then peace comes. Because of the poison, I knew this memory was both real and the one I had been looking for.
One of the true ironies of life is feeling excited to remember a tragedy or realizing the significance of an always-remembered event with clarity. This was exciting, though. I told several friends about this clarity and how I believed it was the last piece of the puzzle. Their common response was – what now? Good question. What do you do when you’ve faced all the monsters under your bed? It reminded me of a “Princess Bride” quote by Inigo Montoya. “I’ve been in the revenge business for so long, now that it’s over I don’t know what to do with my life.”
I now have a full map of the traumas of my life. The things that changed and bent me. The things that bloodied me and even temporarily destroyed me. It is sobering, seeing it all together. The price of buying back my soul, one piece at a time, was feeling everything on this list – twice. Once as it burdened me, twice as I freed myself from it.
As I look at this list, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to trade me for it. We all have a list of the things we carry in life, the things that changed and harmed us. The things that hurt to talk about, even now. The times that exceeded our ability to deal with them. As I looked at this list, I ask myself if I would trade this list for another. Passing it, face down, to another person and accepting theirs as mine. Not knowing what was on it. Although my list holds enough to have blown me off course several times; I would not trade it. I already know I can survive everything on my own list.
It almost doesn’t make sense, how I ended up here, at 50. These events made it difficult for me to achieve things in life I dreamed of, for myself. These things, at times, clouded my vision and confused me. Preventing me from truly enjoying the things I already had. Instead of, wow, look what you just accomplished – it was – what if this person thought this, I didn’t do well enough. I’m just an imposter anyway, people can see it. They only tolerate me.
This process I have undertaken in the past 18 months has given me more clarity than I have never known in my life. I’ve gained the ability to see both myself and my actions without the weight of the many negative beliefs I held about myself. While the things I need to work on did not disappear, I see them as achievable goals instead of proof that I have always been a screw-up.
I have grown into myself. I am more “me” than I ever before. I joke that I am turning into a big 5 year old, playing dress up but for real. My husband and I, many years ago, were out to dinner. There was a family sitting at a table, kids as well behaved as you please. One was dressed as Superman. I’m that kid.
For the first time in my life, I truly appreciate my range. I can be the life of the party. I can meet you in your darkest place, whispering words of life into your ear. I am both a fully grown woman and a carefree child. I can plan a fun and uplifting Zumba class then sit down and pour my soul out into my words. I am the person who truly sees you for who you are. I am the person to accept you where you are. I have the soul of an artist and wanderer. I can create beauty but not in drawing. (I can barely draw realistic stick figures.). Writing, dancing, gardening, design, I got you.
I found true love. Being a romantic, this is a dream I had for myself from a young age. 4 broken hearts. I have gained a new appreciation for the choice I made at 25. I didn’t have the knowledge or the terminology that I do now, to describe what had happened to me. But I knew he was different. I remember, when I met him, it was with a sense of wonder. To illustrate the settling I’d done, the fact that he said he would call at 7 and actually called at 6:55 was like hey, I’ve really stumbled upon something great here. Falling in love with him again, at 50, with unclouded eyes has been a wonder. Our children grown now, the two of us through lockdown. It could have easily gone the other way, as things do when children become grown. Just below seeing myself with clarity, is this. My marriage .
My relationship with my children has changed as well. I no longer see them as judgements on myself as a mother. I remember feeling that my children would turn into undeniable proof that I’d had it all figured out. I didn’t. I know I did the best I could. Most of all, I wanted my children to feel accepted for who they are. If nothing else, I know I achieved that.
Even so, my acceptance did not prevent them from the struggles of their own lives. I have been able, though, to release “but what does this say about ME” in these struggles and enjoy them for the growing adults they are.
There is truly no area of my life that has remained unaffected in this journey to face the traumas of my life. I would feel it all a third time, if that was the price to buy back my soul. While I do feel the grief, at times, of what could have been had I shed my traumas earlier in life; for the most part I am only filled with the gratitude for shedding them now. I move forward with clearer vision, new dreams for myself and excitement for my future.
It has been worth it. Unbelievably so.
