As Americans, we now find ourselves in the third week of Social Distancing. End date un-determined. My own “six-degrees-of-Covid” got a little closer this week. Nobody I know personally has had it, but it’s reached friends-of-friends. Parents-of-friends. Those who live in high-density cities now know multiple people who have had it or have it currently. Of course, nobody knows how bad it will get or how long it will go on. (Marking time again, as I write this the US has 400,412 cases and 12,854 deaths.)
I was lucky, in a lot of ways, coming into the time of Coronavirus. I had some random good timing. For instance, I go to a stock-up store quarterly with my neighbor. We had just recently done this as a matter of course, the virus was just a side story on the national news then. This resulted in us being pretty fully stocked when things started to happen. No panic shopping was necessary, we were pretty good to lock down. I was probably luckiest in that I found myself nearing the end of 18 months of therapy, both personal and marriage. Through an episode of severe depression last summer, my therapist had pushed me to find new ways to manage my stress, manage my feelings and learn better means of communication. I’d had weekly homework, teaching myself how to “read” my emotions then deciding what I needed -comfort, distraction, exercise, venting – then making lists of different things to try for each of those.
On the way out of my depressive episode, I had started to make a new life for myself. I was making new friends, trying different activities that I enjoyed and managing my own needs for solitude/social obligations. I had learned to recognize situations that were causing me pain and had cut those things loose, if possible. I’d found that, for some reason, I always had a rough day on Thursdays. I spent a month trying different activities on Thursdays until I found a combination that worked (saxophone and hula lessons!)
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? If you weren’t aware before, I bet you are now – in your third week of Social Distancing. Do you wish you could just be alone, in an empty house, away from your family for a few hours? Are you enjoying staying within the confines of your home? Are you dreading having to go back to work-work eventually? You are likely an introvert.
Do you feel that you are being suffocated, that you are starved for social interaction? Do you miss going places? Are you going stir-crazy in the solitude? In this case, you are likely an extrovert.
There’s also a third group – omniverts. I fall in this category. I can only truly recharge in solitude, I mean alone-alone, not with my family or people close to me. However, I do well when I’m out too, friendly and outgoing. I need both in my life. I just don’t recharge that way. Your most basic nature affects how you are doing at this point.
I settled into this period of Social Distancing deciding I would use the time to better myself. I was well on that road already. I planned to read self-help groups, exercise, be with my feelings without so options to distract from them. As for the practical part of my life, work stopped immediately but my activities transitioned to online within a week. This is another way I was lucky. I didn’t really have to give anything up. My workout groups, my dance classes, my friends, my therapist, even my doctor. My husband and I made a list of household projects to work on daily. It seemed so long, it would keep us feeling productive for a long time.
Life still isn’t quite the same, is it? This is the week I felt I was running out of patience teaching myself dances, reading, journaling and watching Netflix. My husband and I finished every project on our list already. My once a week out of the house, to the grocery store, became a place of risk and scarcity. I’ve realized that every week will likely feel a little more like this. And that’s without having to deal with the actual virus. That day will likely come as well, if not for me personally then for someone I love.
Things changed so abruptly for all of us a few weeks ago. Many lost jobs and health insurance with little warning. Children were suddenly not physically in school, switching to a new form of technology to complete their years. High School Seniors were suddenly not going to Prom, not having graduation ceremonies, not getting to finish the things they were involved in. Professional sports abruptly ended. Weddings and even funerals were cancelled or postponed.
We try to cope with this abrupt shift using humor, we try to cope with drinking, we try to cope with eating. We cope in the ways we have coped with everything, whether they work for us or not. Our newest, healthiest ways to cope are the first to go. In an extended period of stress we can continue to revert back to our basic ways to cope. The most unhealthy, the oldest, those all too familiar ‘frienemies’.
Perhaps the ways we aren’t coping are really giving our fear, anxiety and grief a voice. We instead disqualify our feelings by saying “but as long as I don’t lose anyone I love” “but other people have it so much worse” “I have no right to complain” “
Yes, we ALL hope we don’t lose anyone to the virus. We all hope we won’t get it ourselves. We all hope that each new day will bring a cure, stop the suffering, turn this around. We hope the economy will be able to recover. We can have hope for all these things but also be mindful of what we are going through, personally.
I have been reminded, more than once, of the days following 9/11. Especially with New York being the current epicenter of the world with Coronavirus. Seeing the streets empty, hearing about the sheer loss of life, the medical professionals describing absolute crisis conditions – and they see terrible things all the time. Similar to 9/11, we all are going through something at the same time, we all wonder if life will ever be the same again. We didn’t realize just how much we were taking for granted – until it all changed.
One difference I’ve noticed from 9/11, though, is that grief was much more shared, much more accepted than this. After 9/11 we could be terribly sad, even if we hadn’t lost someone personally. I still cry, seeing the yearly footage as we count the years since off. It was more acceptable then to talk about it. To share grief and fear. We all had the same shell-shocked look. It was trauma processing.
The reasons we feel less free to speak our fear, grief, frustration, boredom are our ‘guilded splinters’. The dis-qualifiers. I still have an income so I can’t, I don’t know anyone sick, so I cant. I have my family around me, so I can’t. I have the food that I need so I can’t. I can’t feel bad, I can’t feel sad, I can’t say I couldn’t sleep last night because of my anxiety. My activity moved online, I still have it, so I can’t. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends for years so I can’t. I still have my health, so I can’t. Oh, but these are guilded slivers, the slivers of privilege, so I can’t.
You can, and it’s important to. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings. You can do this while still looking for ways to help others. You can do this without making it all about you. Doing this makes it less about you, in the end. The more effectively we can deal with our feelings, the more energy we have to help others.
That gnawing feeling you’ve had, the buzzing in your brain, the anxiousness, the feeling that nothing is “right” anymore. It’s fear, it’s grief, it’s anger, it’s energy that needs an outlet. Maybe it is more than that. Maybe it’s the reason you’ve kept yourself as busy as you have. Maybe it’s the thing you fear will catch up to you if you sit still too long. It may be a marriage that wasn’t that great, and now you are with that person round the clock. It may be trauma response from something in your childhood – where your world turned itself upside down seemingly overnight. It might be more strain than you can bear alone, trying to manage your children completing their school year while navigating new technology working from home. It may be toxic situations that you have molded yourself into an uncomfortable shape to make work. It may be that you’ve ignored yourself for far too long. Where do you even begin?
- Let’s start with anxiety related to the virus itself. (Oh look! Someone already got to this before me:)
2) Depressed mood.
Over time, I have worked out a daily formula that works for me when my mood declines. 1) Exercise 2) Something I can accomplish. 3) Healthy food. 4) Bed at 10. You’re welcome.
Does it fix everything? No it does not. You can do all those things and still feel like crap. But usually – you at least will not feel worse. Some days that is the best you can do. Not feel worse.
3) Know What You Need
You know what, maybe you DO need a huge rest. Maybe you DO need to watch Neflix and stay in your pajamas all day. Maybe what’s right for you is to soak up all the downtime you can. Do it! Don’t feel bad about it, if that’s what you need.
4) Feeling Stuck
Maybe this IS a good time to try something new. Maybe this IS a good time to lose some extra weight. I got through a previous isolation by losing 20 pounds. I was stuck in an off-season lake house with a 1 and 4 year old following the “dot-bomb” implosion while my husband was unemployed for 6 months so we had little money coming in. Because I was able to accomplish that, I have fond memories of that time. It was what I needed then. A goal, to focus on when I got up each morning. Forward movement.
4) Lonely/Alone
I like how the following meme gives tips for if you don’t like your own company. Lets be real about that. Sometimes that’s why we keep so busy. Obviously in our current time, Social Distancing, there are many fewer opportunities to “stop isolating yourself.” At the same time, there are more online social activities than ever before. No, it’s not the same. But this doesn’t mean there are no outlets.
5) Not depressed but full of grief/sadness.
Most importantly, health comes first right now. We cannot fix, solve or remedy everything that is and will happen during this time. It’s a scary and unsure time, to be sure. Each day we are healthy and those we love are healthy, though, we do have an opportunity to give ourselves the care we need right now.
Stay safe and well!
