MY BLOG! For starters, I am not a technical person, so I consider it a huge triumph to have built this page. It took 2 months and many YouTube tutorials. I scrapped everything and started over 3 different times. Way to go, me!
Why did I decide to start blogging? I have two reasons and both happened to me this summer.
I’ve always been a writer. Since I was a child, I have taken solace in writing out my thoughts and feelings. I have journals back to when I was 8 years old. (I was a terrible speller, and I find it it amusing to hear 8 year old me describe the perils of ankle surgery in such dramatic terms.) I have known much happiness in my life. I have had wonderful things happen to me. When I look back at 30+ years of writing, though, it is obvious that I wrote the most when I was hurting. If a stranger read through my journals, they would likely assume I led a miserable life. My journals are, in great part, the narrative of my pain. My writing has always been my pain. When I look back through my journals, I see months and even years with no entries. Those were times I didn’t have much to write about. Things were good, I was busy doing other things. I had no grief pushing it’s way out of me. I have very little record, for instance, of any of the times I fell in love. I was busy being in love. I was busy spending time with that person. I rarely had the urge to sit down and pour my heart out in the midst of times like these. But when the love turned bad, when the relationship ended – yep, there you go. Pages and pages and even entire journals full of grief and sadness for the love that was no longer mine.
The above disclaimer is to state that, yes, there’s going to be a lot of hardship described in this blog. This blog will not be the place where I brag about life or post my best photos. I’m not a miserable person, though. I don’t have a miserable life, in general. I’m actually a very fun person to be around. I make friends easily, I get to travel, I do interesting things. I DO have funny stories to tell. Not here, though!
Back to my two reasons for starting this blog. The first is unfortunate.
I’ve always been a person of high emotion. I feel things very deeply, especially grief. One side of my family also has a very prevalent history of depression. With this combination of factors, at times of high grief emotion or major flux, it is not uncommon for a depressive episode to get triggered.
This past summer I had the most dangerous depressive episode of my life. There has only been one other time in my life I experienced an episode to this degree and that was when I was 21. That episode was severe enough that I still see my life as “before” and “after” that event. I did survive it, but it was a hard reset. It was my dark night of the soul. I was still me in the after, but my beliefs about life and myself had been changed fundamentally in the during.
Has my life now been broken into thirds, with these two major episodes being the breaking points? I won’t know until some time has passed and I have a greater perspective on it. I am not the same person I was a year ago, though. As before, I am still me, but my beliefs and the way I understand myself and my life has shifted, permanently. (I will be discussing depression, suicidal ideation and this episode in particular in other writings.) I did not believe I was going to live through it. I did not believe I would ever feel better again. I believed that every day I lived, until my life ended, I would feel the same overwhelming amount of pain and sadness. And it was unbearable.
How DID I survive this terrible episode? A therapist who pushed me. A psychiatrist who was determined to find the biological origin of my depression. The willingness to do what was being asked of me by those who were guiding me. Those people who surrounded me during this time and held me to Earth.
Most importantly, though, it was knowing that I was not alone. During this time I read incessantly, the words of others who had been through what I was going through. Those who had already reached the shore. Blog after blog, youtube videos, articles, podcasts. I didn’t sleep much during this time. The dark and silent hours of the night were the most frightening to me. I had something available at 49 that I did not have at 21, though. The internet, which makes it possible to comfort and be comforted by someone on the other side of the world. People like myself who took the time to write and post when they felt the same way I did. It comforted me. It comforted me enough to encourage me to do the same if I survived. .
The other thing that happened is that I turned 50. Something magical happens to women when they turn 50. They start to lose their give-a-damn. Being authentic, being your true self becomes easier because you realize that it’s ok if someone doesn’t like you. You realize you actually like yourself. That your opinion of yourself is more important than someone else’s. I used to talk about my depression, my suffering, in whispers. I truly did believe these things happened to me because I was weak. I didn’t want anyone else to think that I was weak too. I’m not weak. Coincidentally, I’m also done whispering.
It’s a vital thing, to speak the truth. To be authentic. Your suffering, locked into your heart or written in books that are kept under mattresses and nightstands holds your secrets, but it helps nobody. We hide it away because we don’t want people to see us as sufferers. We don’t want people to think we are complainers. We preface our pain with “I know people have it worse BUT” We see the places we struggle as weakness. It’s not weakness. The truth saves lives. The truth has saved my life. I came to speak it.
Can’t wait to read more. Bravo to you Kayla for being brave enough to talk about it!
Way to go, Kayla! We love you and miss you! I’m subscribing!
I love this rawness and truth. You are wonderful for stepping out of the comfort zone and writing to the listening ears.
You speak from the heart, that much is clear. And very eloquently too. I do believe that sharing your pain & suffering will help others get through theirs. Keep on keeping on.
Lobe this and love you!! Speaking our truth is freeing for us and gives life to others.
I love this!!! I love you!!! This makes me so happy to see!!! Thank you!
It hurts me to know you were hurting so much, just a year ago…as you continued to “like” my bullshit on FB. I do, and have always, admired you. You are one of the funniest people I know – but as I have gone through life, I’ve seen that the funniest souls are the ones that are suffering the most. Glad you are here – you’re needed on this planet.
Love you Mrs. Kayla! I am so glad your here to teach us all, weather we struggle with depression or not. I love your words. I feel your strength in your words. Bless you, for all your hard work and pain you have already endured. ❤️
Congrats on your new blog! I think this is fantastic and I can’t wait to read more! I am always here to support you!
Kayla you have no idea….God knew I needed your blog…..for such a time as this. Thank you my friend, for your honesty, your friendship, and your words of truth. My journey through intense grief the past several months has been my hardest and I am forever changed by it. I know your blog will encourage me along the way. You are a gift.